simbang gabi day 2

i had a classmate who reported about the creation of indigenized spaces in our geography class. people who live in other countries tend to "own" a particular area where they would typically meet their fellow migrants and recreate their indigenous culture. sort of an enclave. here, the filipinos have lucky plaza, the myanmarese/burmese have peninsula plaza, indians have their little india, and so on.

with the conduct of masses in migrants' local languages, the church also becomes a sort of indigenized spaces. and with the simbang gabi, the pinoy's "home away from home" becomes more prominent.

i went to the catholic church of christ the king in ang mo kio for the second simbang gabi here. unlike yesterday's experience, finding this church was easier because it was just across the road from the bus stop.


simbang gabi is celebrated at night and there's no dawn masses. maybe because there's no public transpo at dawn except for the cabs. and not all churches have simbang gabi. every night, there are 3 churches in the entire country which pinoys in sg can choose from. hence, one can expect overflowing people in all these churches, just like simbang gabi back home. and aside from the lay ministers and altar servers, almost everyone in church is pinoy. i learned at the latter part of the mass that the philippine ambassador to sg was even there together with the other embassy personnel.



the mass starts at 8 and we were already in church at 740 per puno na sa baba pagdating namin.


so they opened the gallery on the second floor which was also filled in just a matter of seconds.


the choir was rehearsing when we came in. they sang mostly tagalog songs which elicited that poignant feeling that i always have when christmas comes.


and just like any pinoy gathering, there's food! this is how the queues look like. and i just took one area of the church grounds. sa buong paligid ng simbahan, ganito pa rin ang itsura. they served porridge, bread and juice. we didnt join this fun part though because we also had porridge before going to church.

i love pinoy christmas. and i love the fact that we also have pinoy christmas here.

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i didnt write about my first simbang gabi yesterday because i was so tired after coming home. imagine spending almost 2 hours in the bus (thanks to gothere.sg for teaching me the longer route) going there and another hour of travel going home. got home at 11pm considering that we didnt even finish the mass.

A short letter to Mang Lauro

Dear Mang Lauro,

When I read the news earlier, I didnt know what to feel. But I want to let you know that I admire your strength in dealing with this struggle. Although I can see you crying on TV because of the SC's decision, I still think that your years of relentless quest for justice is a very courageous act. I know the pain of losing a family member so I know how hard it must be for you to deal with your pain while at the same dealing with the tiring and frustrating process of finding out who the perpetrators are. You inspire other victims of senseless crimes to rely in the justice system (no matter how rotten it seems to be) instead of putting matters into your own hands. It is just unfortunate that after many years, the battle didnt have a good ending.

Mang Lauro, Im just one of the many Filipinos who empathize with you. I do not know when or how but I pray that one day, you will find the justice that you seek. Even if in case you wont find human justice in your lifetime, you are right, God will grant justice in heaven.

Please take care of yourself. I dont know if it can ease the pain but please accept my hug for you.

Me

budget trip series: phuket, thailand

phuket was not really in my list of "must go" places but after a series of emotionally, physically and financially-trying events that transpired weeks before that, i said yes to classmates who suggested for a cheap 4-day trip to the famous thai island before facing the final exams heads on. i badly needed a break and i had to give myself that.

so off we with a budget which every student would be happy about

SIN-Phuket via Jetstar: SGD 44
3N stay at Squareone: SGD 50
Food, transpo, etc: SGD 50-100 depending on the kind of dining experience you want to have
Phuket-SIN via Tiger: SGD 85.28
Total: SGD 250-300 (i did mental math so dont expect the numbers to accurately add up)

day 1

we left singapore at 835 on a rainy monday night. it was my first time to take jetstar and for the sake of those who havent tried it, i think its actually pretty good for a budget airline. the cushions were thick, covered with black leather and the leg room was quite wide. the crew was also clad in black pants and polo. pipe-in music repertoire was composed of lady gaga and some r&b songs. the flight was empty, as in kakalog-kalog. quoting an officemate, pwedeng magbowling sa loob sa luwag ng flight. i think there was just more or less 50 of us occupying that A320 aircraft. except for the minor bouts of turbulence, the flight was generally peaceful.
we arrived at phuket at 920 local time. right outside the airport, there were a lot of agents asking if we needed a ride offering 200/head for a van but we opted to take a cab instead for THB500. there were four of us in that trip so it was perfect for cab sharing. we tried to haggle for a lower rate but they would not give in so we went for it.

the drive from the airport to patong beach took around an hour. most of the establishments along the road were already closed at that time so there was nothing much to see, well, except for the road signs. the road towards patong was a zig zag and hilly one (if there is such a term) which made the trip fun. it reminded me of baguio actually.

you'll know you're already in patong when you see money exchange stalls separated from each other by mere 100 meters, strolling tourists, restaurants and ambulant vendors along the road.

for our first night, we booked one standard room and 2 beds in the dormitory because there was someone who booked ahead of us occupying one bed in the 4-bedroom dormitory. vn and i were supposed to stay in the standard room but sn and ml thought of us switching places with the lucky dorm occupant so that all four of us could stay in the dorm and have the room all by ourselves. so we waited for the lucky occupant. we learned that she is an exchange student from hungary and doing her studies at ntu. she's in phuket for the school holiday but brought some of her school work with her and even left her laptop on her bed. hindi ko yata gagawin yun.

after fixing our things, we started our exploration of the place!

im the kind of tourist who does tons of research before setting foot on some place. but this time, i didnt do much of that partly because two of my tour buddies for this trip have been there before so they know the place pretty well. the only interesting thing i learned about the place was that there seems to be 2 famous streets in patong, 1 for straights and 1 for gays. of course we headed for the gay street! we were on an adventure, right?

the gay street (i forgot what it is called) is really a gay street. the street is closed to cars since it is transformed into a street party place for tourists. open bars. ledge dancers. locals who ask you if you want to see a "show". tourists drinking and smoking and what have yous. loud music. nothing extraordinary right?



yes, nothing extraordinary except for the number and 'kind' of tourists in the place. ok, im being racial, unfair, superficial, judgmental, ethnocentric - evil here but give me a break, i havent seen such a mix of people.

my background in socio has programmed my brain to sort other tourists according to seociodemographic background. i admit,my classification is not accurate and based from the previous paragraph, may not be reliable and valid. but my mental classification consisted of:

1. caucasian retirees who are spending their retirement funds in asia to enjoy the sun, sand, the sea, food and experience exotic culture in the far east. they consist a big percentage of the tourist population.
2. old caucasian guys who...ok, i dont know what they want except that i see most of them with a thai in tow. ok this is one of the most interesting observations i had in patong, entertainers here (i chose the word entertainer instead of prostitute because i dont know which is which) transcends age boundaries.
3. middle eastern looking guys who are in groups. medyo natakot ako sa kanila. tall, dark, muscular men who...ok, i dont want to think about what they want. inuulit ko, medyo natakot ako sa kanila. they also constitute a big part of the tourist population.
4. young caucasian couples
5. chinese, korean and japanese tourists who come in groups
6. small groups of other asian tourists like us. siguro 3% lang kami ng population.

after seeing so much of the happenings in gay street, we decided that we were not fit for the place so we headed for the beach with beers and a bottle of milk at hand. ok, the milk was for me because i wasnt feeling well that night (and the succeeding nights too). so while they were gulping bottles of singha, i was drinking my milk.

the beach at night was perfect for a more wholesome alternative to the gay street. there were locals who were selling lucky lanterns. theyre like rectangular hot-air balloons that are made of cloth. tourists would light the lamp and off it will fly up in the air. higher up they look like stars too.

on our way back to the hotel, we saw an ambulant vendor selling some kind of noodles. being the food junkie that we are, we tried it. it wasnt that bad but i guess it was expensive for 50 THB. it consisted of boiled, sliced chicken meat, chicken liver and gizzard, some kind of green leaf on top of a flat noodle soup mixed with chili and coriander.


day 2

we woke up at around 10 am and left our room at around 11. we found a place for breakfast after walking for about 20 minutes and went right into the place. i had pad thai and egg with tamarind sauce plus a tall glass of watermelon shake (which didnt help me with my sore throat).



while eating, the rain started pounding. as in torrential downpour! hey that wasnt right. we were on a vacation and its raining? really hard? hindi yata makatarungan yun. so we were stuck in that place for more than an hour. when the rain subsided for a bit, we rushed to the nearby mall. we needed to go somewhere covered because we havent had a glimpse of the sun so the probability of rain for the entire day was looming.


jung ceylon is where you can find all sorts of stuff. clothes of all sorts. bags of all sorts. picture frames of all sorts. hats. shades. tea. maps. paintings. photographs for sale. organic soaps. fabric. fish spa stations. if you have a few minutes to see this mall, i suggest you go straight down to the basement where the local stuff are.






after walking around the ground floor and the basement, we decided to rest for a bit first before heading for an exploration of the other side of the place. so we sat on the benches outside. being the usyosera me, i noticed 3 guys from classification 3 talking to 2 locals. at first, it was just one of the locals who was holding hands with one of the guys. but i guess after some negotiations, both of the girls were already holding hands with the guys.

at this point, the reality of the difficulty of having that kind of work was nagging me. setting aside issues of hygiene, exploitation and morals, just thinking of having sex with people you dont know i assume is hard but to have sex with people whom you dont know what kind of sex they want sounds more scary. im being extreme here but i dont think these people would fly across the globe just to have the normal kind of thing that they could get back home. and how much do they get from that? a day's meal? *insert profanities here* i dont think prostitutes are heroes but they deserve respect for the courage that they have in going through what they have to go through just to survive. theyre commodifying their bodies because thats what their society demands. yes, everybody has a choice but for some people, the choices are pretty bad and limited.

before i rant some more about prostitution, the sun smiled at us and pulled us out of our seats to see the other side of the island. so we walked and walked. we walked and walked some more until we saw what looked like a dome of a mosque. so we went into that direction. on our way, we saw rows of painting shops along the road. we walked some more until we found ourselves into a residential area but we still went it. we walked in back streets and alleys until finally, we reached the mosque. it was beautiful but it was under construction so we couldnt get in. plus we were on our shorts so there's really no way we can get in.

since we were on the other end of the island, we hopped on a tuk tuk on our way back. so tired from walking, we did what one on a vacation would do. slept for the rest of the afternoon.

when night came, we again scouted for a decent eating place that could accommodate our budget and sure we found one.

after eating, again came the walking part. we passed by gay street but gain, we found our solace on the beach. this time, we stayed longer. aside from the lucky balloons, there were also people setting up short fireworks displays. plus we had pipe-in music courtesy of the bar across the road (the street for the straight).
bob marley and bono were welcome distractions to the group's conversation.

day 3

i was so happy because the sun is up! so off we went to the beach to see it for the first time during the day. being a boracay and palawan fan, im quite a snob when it comes to other beaches.

when you reach the beach, you will be welcomed with locals asking if you want to rent a beach chair. beach chairs and umbrellas are scattered on the beach! i mean, there are hundreds or maybe thousands of them. theyre everywhere, as far as your eyes can see. after haggling, we decided to just spread our towels on the sand because the price is too much for us. i wasnt successful in urging the 3 others to swim so i went swimming alone. im in phuket so i have to swim on its beach. i have to feel not just the sand and the sun but also the water and the waves.



ok, lets talk about the beach quality. the sand is fine and, how would i term it, well-stocked? in tagalog, siksik. so that when you walk on it, you dont have to drag your feet out of the mocha-colored sand. the water was clear. there was no sea grass at sight so that was a plus factor for me. and i think it was less salty because i had no goggles yet i can still open my eyes underwater with relative ease. if you havent seen boracay or palawan, this beach is actually very nice. but if youve seen both, its downgraded to nice.

after an hour or so of swimming, its time to look for food. we went straight to the beach right out of bed so our tummies were already rumbling. after lunch, we went back to the hotel. me for another round of swimming in the pool and them, for motorbiking lessons.



i got tired first so i went inside to take a shower but i heard them coming in after a few minutes. yun pala, umuulan na nman! so the afternoon was spent on napping.

at a little past four, vie and i decided to explore the island in motorbike while the other two were still asleep. here's the thing about patong, you should know how to ride a motorcycle to see every nook of place. i didnt know how to drive but our group was lucky to have a vietnamese with us. moral of the story, you should go with somebody who knows how to maneuver a motorbike if you dont know how to do it yourself.

since its our last night in the island, we attempted to have a more "lavish" dinner this time and went for the seafood area.

too tired of seeing gay street every night, we opted to the mall instead. we headed for the arcade area. yes we were on a vacation in a foreign land yet we opted for the mall.

the mall offers not just movies and arcades at night but other interesting stuff. there were kids breakdancing. and the nicest part is, we witnessed an actual proposal. we thought it was one of those "surprises" which couples would have once in a while but this time, we saw the guy kneel in front of a girl, with flowers and a ring and their friends videotaping the event. we were like voyeurs having a glimpse of other people's personal romantic affair. nice.

after the mall, we had to have our nightly affair with the beach. and we paid gay street another visit. that time, there were gays in costumes and they were beautiful. one was more pretty than most girls. tourists would have their pictures taken with them for a fee/donation.

the beach was more romantic this time. there was a couple, the girl was holding flowers while the guy was lightig up a lucky lantern. nice.

day 4

last day. we had brunch before heading to phuket town. sin had a western bfast this time and ordered for burger. vie had chicken salad. mal had steak. i opted for seafood fried rice.

we took the bus going to phuket town. it was more of a humongous jeep.

it was a nice ride, with the cool wind from outside blowing on our hair and faces. man, i just wanted to sleep but i dont want to miss the scenery. the trip took about an hour i think. when we got to town, tuk tuk drivers came asking if we need a ride. we said we dont need one but of course, there would still be that one persistent in the group who would follow you around whereever you go so we asked how much we have to pay. he said THB 20 i think so off we went. we told him that we just wanted to go around town and stop at a market to buy some stuff. he said he will do just that. but lo and behold, when we went to the first stop, it was a gem factory. the driver was a tout! welcome to thailand! apparently, this doesnt only happen in bangkok.

so off we went to about 5 or 6 gem/handicraft/food store which offered the same kind of merchandise. on our 5th or 6th stop, we were actually dragging ourselves out of the tuk tuk. we dont want to do it anymore but dear tuk tuk driver was his giddy self saying "jalan jalan, last one last one" so the nice visitor us cant just rudely say no to him. so for every entrance door that we had to go through, we automatically look for the exit sign and rush towards that direction.

we told him we need to be at the bus terminal by 6 but we arrived there at 630! and the next bus going to the airport will leave at 730! i dont remember what time was our flight anymore but i remember clearly that we would be in deep trouble if we dont leave before 730. so we looked for a cab and found one. but it was no ordinary cab, it was a toyota fortuner that will bring us to the airport for THB 600! galing!

so again, we were in an amazing race mode. fortunately, the fortuner was fast enough so we were at the airport in just 45 minutes. at the airport, we had to race to the check-in counter which was at the other side, and had to rush back to the other side where the boarding gates are located. and since we havent eaten anything since 11am, we were already starving. thank god for burger king!

we had our dinner at the pre-departure area where we bumped into a classmate who also went to phuket but stayed in phiphi.


rain started to pour when we were boarding so i prepared for a turbulent flight ahead. and it was a turbulent flight indeed. flying legacy carriers i think are more expensive because aside from the service, they also give you a feeling (or illusion) of safety when youre into this kind of situation. and since we were flying budget,i held on to my rosary and didnt stop praying. god, i dont wanna die right after a vacation.

we landed at changi 30 minutes before the last train departs for the city so off we went to an amazing race again. as soon as we got to the tube, vie and i dashed to the immigration, which was a long run from the tube. we were lucky enough that when we got out of the airport, the shuttle to terminal 2 was already there.

but upon getting off from the shuttle, we again ran towards the mrt station. that time, i realized how challenging it would be to join the amazing race. we ran for jus a few minutes with just 70L of bag on our back and we were already panting. how much more if we were carrying a heavier bag? and we had to do that for a month? now, i think i can let go of my amazing race dream.

yes, we were able to catch the last train to the city. and we were tired. but refreshed. (and me sick)

and with a l0t of pictures

the product of boredom

im officially on my 9th day of unproductive sem break and its killing me. ive been alternately checking fb, my yahoo mail and my school mail accounts every now and then looking for something new but the updates dont come that often. of course, people back home are at work.

so i went to the kitchen, and voila! i saw our bunch/hand of bananas about to commit hara kiri. naawa naman ako so i thought of salvaging them and transforming them into a gastronomic delight.

so i took the knife and the chopping board and saved them from their agony.






turon aka banana fritters!

budget trip series

needless to say, im a budget traveller. as a kid, i remember being fascinated by the globe that we had at school and wondered if i could go to other parts of that sphere we call the earth.

ask any of my close friends and they would know that one of my dreams is to join amazing race. i would gladly sleep in airports, eat bugs in thailand, bungee jump from kawarau bridge in new zealand despite my little fear of heights or fly an airplane and do a 360 degree turn in the sky (thats my favorite challenge so far) just to see the world for free. kaya lang hindi ako marunong lumangoy at magdrive and my back is not designed to carry a 70L backpack so i think ill pass up on that one.

had i been born with a silver spoon in my mouth, i swear, my passport would have been filled with stamps from various immigration ports. but i was born with a wooden one so i had to be resourceful and creative in living out my plan. gone are the days when travelling was just for the aristocrats. now, even the penniless such as me can go see other places.

visiting places on a tight budget is fun and tiring at the same time. fun because you get to learn a lot about the place even before you even set foot on it. tiring because you have to spend countless hours on the net searching for that decent yet cheap place to stay and dine instead of just calling your travel agent to do the job for you. but im not complaining. its really just a matter of perspective

backpackers would say that the best tips they get is from locals and fellow backpackers. at syempre, budget travellers would know the best way to travel from fellow budget travellers. hence, the succeeding posts (unless i fall asleep).

just because i love christmas

found these while browsing through my files. i love the colors and the mood =)

pasko sa bahay

yey, may christmas tree na sa bahay!

pasko ng pinoy

i was on a bus around the airport area when my classmate directed my attention to a line of trees whose trunks were surrounded by red christmas lights. interesting, she said and i agreed. it was indeed pretty but bragging aside, it looked plain compared to how the trees along araneta center would glitter at night during the christmas season. at that time, i felt like a messiah wanting to bring everyone to the philippines to see how the messy streets of manila would transform into a sea of lights at night bringing a feeling of happiness to passersby.

iba daw talaga tayo magcelebrate ng pasko. at mukha ngang totoo. december 1 na pero hindi ko pa nafifeel ang pasko dito. maliban sa sermon ng pari pag linggo, parang walang masyadong reminder na uy, malapit na pasko. yes i know, christmas is not about material things but the shallow me gets easily amazed by christmas lights and feels good whenever i see those twinkling tiny bright dots amidst the dark night. what else do i miss about christmas back home?

(from google images) the giant christmas tree at araneta center. by now, the giant christmas tree would have been lighted. if you look at it from afar, it may not be that grand but when you stand at the base of it, it provides a different kind of glow, a magical one that uplifts every person's mood. hay i miss cubao in general.

the christmas carollers! one of my housemates mentioned about how some pinoys were caught carolling in malaysia and how the public was warned about them. i admit i have an incomplete info on this and what i know might be inaccurate but if ever they were legitimate christmas carollers, the reaction is just crazy. for those who are unfamiliar about the tradition, its just like trick or treating during halloween except that this one is done during christmas and instead of kids just showing at your doorsteps asking for a treat, they actually exert some effort and sing a song or two or more in exchange for loose coins. and giving is purely voluntary (although be prepared to hear some nasty comments if you choose not to give). if theyre happy with whatthey get, they would sing back "thank you, thank you, ang babait ninyo (youre so kind), thank you". otherwise they would sing "thank you, thank you ang babarat ninyo (youre so stingy) thank you". i dont think the kids are really after the money but what theyre looking after is receiving a sort of reward after belting out to their lung's content. for the past few years, i have chosen to give candies/food instead of money to carollers and they dont mind it.
and its not just kids who do it. individual adults and organizations do too.

i think this is the ue chorale/choir when they visited mr bautista's office last christmas

ang mga parol at christmas decors. i miss marveling at them and making them.
binge eating at christmas parties. heaven!


(images from google)

relaxed atmosphere at work after parties with the freedom to drink and play games.


bonus. ham & cheese.

lunch/dinner out.


gift wrapping. i love wrapping gifts even if my skill is limited to wrapping them neatly with no elaborate designs.

giving gifts especially to kids. the cool weather! how could i forget that. i love

walking from 15th ave to cubao mrt station with no single drop of sweat on my face.

cleaning the house and setting up the christmas tree although i havent done the latter for a long time now.

coffee sessions with friends and collecting the starbucks stickers.
planning for christmas menu.

cooking.

waking up my grumpy dad during christmas eve =) merry christmas dy. we'll surely have a different christmas this year.

christmas day when nephews and nieces would come over to the house to get their gifts

at marami pang iba

of belt buckles and archeology

i was tidying up my school email account and found this. it was an update about the archeology project i volunteered to last september. the update was sent last september but i didnt notice it because of the unfortunate circumstances that time.

its thrilling to see that my precious find was included in the flyer =) i found that belt buckle!

40 days

sep 21

changi airport, 3pm. i checked in early for my flight. i was quite excited to go home because this was unplanned. with the meager budget of a graduate student, i managed to buy pasalubong for nicko and sam and also some for the oldies. knowing that its gonna be a long night, i even brought home ulam which i know my dad would enjoy with his appetite for food.

naia centennial terminal 2, 6pm. i shed a tear the moment the plane touched down. i dont know why. i didnt expect that i would become that melodramatic. jusko, 2 months pa lang akong nawawala.

kuya was already waiting for me at the arrival area. he had that tired, serious look. i asked him about daddy and he said he was waiting for me. while walking towards the car, he was telling me stories about how daddy has somewhat changed.

on the long drive from naia to the national kidney institute, he filled me in about daddy's dialysis treatment. how he was shouting inside the room because it was so painful. kung paano sya nagsumbong na parang bata. he said he didnt know how to react that time, whether to laugh or cry. daddy was telling him "muntik nila akong patayin. binutasan nila ako sa leeg. tapos tinuli ulit ako. ang sakit!" while he was telling me this, we were both laughing but we know deep inside we're both dead worried about our dad. it was also the first time i heard him say, "ano na kaya mangyayari kay daddy?".

when we got to the hospital, i went straight to the emergency room. he cried upon seeing me, saying "binobola nila ako". i hugged him and said "hindi ka nila niloloko. im here, hindi ka nila niloloko."

a few minutes later, the discharge papers were signed. we were told to follow the prescribed home medication and to call after a week for his check-up. only then would we know if he needs another dialysis treatment. we asked the doctor what the real deal is. he said my dad had gallbladder stones, his kidney doesnt look so good, has liver enlargement, etc. but his laboratory results are already good, meaning everythings going back to normal so theyre letting us go. i felt numb that time. didnt really know how to react. kept my cool.

so we went home. we dropped by chowking and bought his favorite wanton noodles. we had dinner at home. but he didnt eat much, just about 3 or 4 spoonfuls i think. normally, he would eat a lot even if he's sick. but this time, he only ate a little.

we went to bed at around 11 or 12. i stayed in bed with him so that mommy, my sister and my nephew can regain their sleep. they havent slept for days so this time, i would be the one on duty.

i felt what they had to go through for the past few days. my dad doesnt sleep. he would just lie down on bed. close his eyes for a few minutes. move around in bed. there are times when he would want to get up and try if he could carry himself on his own. but he cant, so i have to assist him. he would try standing up and walking, but he would find it difficult so he would go back to bed. it wasnt like this before. during his past confinements, he wasnt this weak.

few minutes before 2am, i managed to get a nap. but around 2, he was complaining about how his entire body aches. he was looking for kuya because he gives him good massage. but kuya lives an hour drive away from us. so i would massage him, but tell him im very bad at it. but the pain wont subside. we ran out of pain relievers so my sister and my nephew had to go out to buy some. we managed to give him a tablet around 3 am but its effect could only be felt after an hour. so for 2 hours, he was in total pain, rolling in bed, shouting. our massage was not helping him. finally, at around 4, he was able to go to sleep.

sep 22

6am. he woke up again because of the pain but we were telling him to sleep some more. he would fall asleep but would wake up every now and then, probably because of the pain.

at around 10am, we had breakfast. we gave him oatmeal but he ate just a little. that time, he was in his wheelchair so it was easy for him to move around the house. whenever we would notice him become sleepy, we would bring him to bed. but after a few minutes, he would complain of how his body aches so we would let him sit again.

we called up ate but i dont remember if no one was answering the phone or we cant connect. so we called up uncle and they talked. he was telling uncle that he wants to go now. and uncle would tell him that its not for him to say. only God can tell when he needs to go.

after their talk, we were all still so sleepy so we went back to bed. i remember sleeping on the edge of the bed and he was on his side, holding my arm.

at around 130, he woke up, again complaining about the pain. we told him we cant give him pain killers until he gets some food. so he ate, about 5 spoonfuls. when we were giving him his medications, mommy noticed that he was sweating profusely. and his sweat was cold, just like when he had his second stroke. i also noticed that he was a bit pale. i called kuya up and told him we might need to bring daddy to the hospital again. suddenly, we noticed daddy catching up his breath. thinking that its because of the phlegm, mommy prepared the nebulizer. my sister and nephew were helping daddy sit. while i was removing the medicine's cap, the breathing got worse and he mumbled "maybe this is how dying feels like". after saying that, his stare just went blank and he slumped. (my sister later on said that she saw a tear fall from my dad's eyes when his stare went blank and closed his eyes)

i ran out of the house and looked for a cab. when i came back, i saw my sister doing cpr on him. our neighbors carried him to the cab, while i grabbed my purse and my eyeglasses.

he was not breathing while in the car. and i didnt feel his pulse. i was tapping his cheeks and telling him "wag muna, wag muna". and to make matters worse, traffic was soo bad so my sister has to get out from the cab and plead to the other drivers to give way because we have an emergency.

we got to the nearest hospital a few minutes after. they tried cpr on him but they were not getting any response. so the doctor asked permission from us to insert a tube in his trachea to facilitate air flow. we told him to do whatever he needs to do.

around 310, the doctor talked to us. he explained that the brain can only function for 20 minutes without air. after that, no amount of revival techniques could bring it back to work. so he told us that they will resuscitate him until 320, but if he doesnt respond within that timeframe, it means he's gone.

so they revived him. i think there were 3 doctors on his bed, and 2 nurses taking turns pumping his rib cage. thankfully, they were successful. different drugs were administered, i dont remember most of them now but i know one is to help the heart keep on pumping blood. parang 7 swero yata nakakabit sa kanya. but he would go on arrest every now and then. on his third arrest, we thought that was it. mommy was wailing. we were all already crying, prepared to hear the doctors' confirmation. but he would fight, and the heart monitor would again show signs of life. from the time we got to the hospital (doctors said we got there at 3) until 6pm, i think i saw him being revived 4 or 5 times. going through that was emotionally and physically draining. thankfully, we had relatives and friends who were there with us.

around 8pm, his condition became stable so they transferred him to the icu. my mom went home to sleep but my sister and i stayed behind.

sep 23

530am. my sister and i were woken up by the nurse, asking for our consent on another dialysis treatment. my sister said that doctors from the kidney institute didnt think having a series of dialysis is good for him because of his condition. so the nurse left. a few minutes later, the nephrologist came. he told us our chances. it was not even 50-50, it was worse than that, 30-70. in a coma scale of 0-20, with 20 having the highest chance of survival, daddy is only at 3. so he told us to talk to our other siblings and plan on how to break the news to our mother. but he said if we are willing, we will take our chances and give dialysis another try. its very risky at his condition, but its better than doing nothing. so i signed the papers. at that point, i couldnt contain it anymore so i just broke down. i called up kuya and asked him to come over. i texted ate and told her about it. what made me cry more was when she texted "kiss daddy for me and if he is in pain, tell him its ok to rest already. we will take care of mommy. lets be strong together."

but we cant just keep on crying. we had to be strong.

at 9am, i went with daddy to the dialysis treatment room. he was still in deep coma. my mom came around 930. one of my friends came around 10 so i went out of the room first and had to talk to him about the blood donation thing. i also texted my cousin, telling her to look for a priest who could annoint daddy. around lunchtime, my other friends came over so i told them what happened.

it was already 1pm when the dialysis treatment was over. some of my friends came to donate blood but the extraction was to be done at another hospital so i accompanied them. but administrative blunders came up so they were not able to donate blood. kuya and i ended up buying blood at the red cross office in pasig.

when we came back to the hospital, i rang uncle and updated him about the situation. when i went up, i think we had a few friends and relatives there. i dont remember anymore.

at around 630, my sister and i were in the toilet when my brother called up. he told us to come down. its an emergency. when we got there, my cousin was hyperventilating because she saw how the nurses performed cpr on daddy. my brother told us daddy had another attack. i hugged my mom, i think. or my sister, i and my mom hugged each other, crying. i dont know how long it took, but i heard my brother say, "are we going to stop it? daddy is in so much pain already. he's so tired." and then i felt it, that was it. we're losing our dad. we asked our mom what she thinks. she said yes, lets stop it. let him rest. i had no strength to tell it to the doctors. i told kuya to do it. but before he went into the room, the four of us stood there at the hallway for a minute and hugged each other tight. then kuya went into the room crying. i didnt go inside. i stayed outside, hugging my mother and my sister all the while.

then the doctor told us we could go inside now and say goodbye. he was just like sleeping, except that he had no heartbeat and breathing. he was still warm. he was still soft. i hugged him tight. my sister removed the things that were on him. we were talking to him like he was just sleeping. i think there was a point when we even kidded him. that was us. thats how we are.

a few more minutes after, the attendant came. they are going to prepare him now. so we hugged him one last time.

that was 40 days ago.

remembering and forgetting

today's class was about studying a traumatic part of nation's history, the genocide in cambodia, oct 1976 massacre in thailand and oct 1965 event in indonesia.

i have read about the khmer rouge but it was my first time to encounter the thailand massacre and the indonesian event. reminds me of the mendiola massacre and the hacienda luisita incident a few years back.

on a personal level, i think of my own experience.

in some sense, the passing away of a loved one could be a traumatic chapter of one's life. but i dont want to focus on the trauma, i want to talk more about the remembering and forgeting part.

during the wake, i suggested that we wont have that typical family picture when all the members of the family would stand beside the coffin and have a "family picture" taken. i dont get the point of having the picture. i mean, pictures are suppoed to "capture the moment" and i dont want to capture that moment. hence there was no family picture beside my dad. in fact we didnt take a lot of pictures during the wake, even when there were a lot of opportunities for it because long lost friends and families were reunited.

i remember after the burial, ate cleaned the house and wanted to throw all the old stuff away. my mom was objecting but was not able to do anything. so some of our old clothes, including my moms clothes back in the 60s, were given to relatives.

i was in charge of fixing my dad's clothes, all 3 cabinets of them. initially, they were also meant to be given away. but my mom became emotional. she was crying, explaining that she wanted to keep the clothes first to give her a feel that my dad is still there. seeing his clothes makes her feel that my dad is still her. so i just folded the clothes neatly, and placed them in the biggest cabinet. i told my mom that i placed my dad's clothes there so that when she's ready to give them out, it would be easier for her. i asked her if she's happy with what i did with the clothes. she said no, and cried again. i just hugged her to comfort her.

last friday, i dreamt of my dad. one my regrets when he was in the hospital was that i should have hugged him more. i should have hugged him longer when he was in his bed, just before the hospital staff bring him down to the mortuary because that was my last chance to do so. that was my last chance to touch him and hug him and see him up close. but i dont think i hugged him enough. the next time that i saw him, he looked different with his face a bit bloated, plus there was a glass divider between us.

so that night, i prayed to God to give me another chance to hug him, even just in my dreams. and God was so good, he granted me that prayer.

this was my dream. setting was in the province (he would always want to go home whenever he's in manila).

first scene: he and my mom were standing along the highway, waiting for something. they were going to japan (he's always fond of his pal memories but he was not able to go to japan).

next scene: i was telling my mom to take care of my dad because i dreamt that he got sick and i told her that i was crying in my dream.

next scene: a jeepney stopped by the house and my mom in that jeep (it reminds me of the scene when we went to sta ana for his birthday this year. he was in his stubborn self but my cousin was able to urge him to come). we were calling my dad to come out or else he's gonna be late.

so he came out, but this time, my nephew (who helped my mom and my sister take care of my dad when he was in the hospital) was already helping him walk. it was quite funny though because he was eating in that scene (he looooves to eat). he was smiling and nodding at the people along the road although he doesnt recognize some of them (after his 2nd stroke, he sometimes have difficulty recognizing people unless he goes very close to them).

next scene: i was helping him walk back to the house, the kind of support wherein i was almost hugging him and carrying a lot of his weight (the way i did when i was helping him get up when he was in bed). i was asking him if there's anything painful and he said he's feet are killing him.

and then i woke up.

last sunday, it was my sister's turn to see him in her dream.

two days ago, i was talking to my sister and my mom on skype when my mom asked if ive dreamt of my dad. when i said yes, she asked me how the dream went. my sister was messaging me not to tell her anymore because she might just cry. my mom cried when my sister recounted her dream to her. and when you tell a story to my mom, she's the kind who would want a "thick description" of events. but skype was uncooperative that day. so the burden of telling the story went to my sister.

after my dream, i was planning to write immediately about it because its something that i would want to remember. but i changed my mind. now, after class, i changed my mind again. i finally decided to write about it so that its etched forever.

i dont know if this is gona help me. when i was heartbroken, writing helped me moved on. i think i even wrote good pieces back then. but in this kind of grief, i think it will take a long time before i can move on, before the entire family can move on.

im not even sure which part i would want to remember and which part to forget.

day 52

we finished early today because of hari raya. as promised last week, we were dismmissed at 8pm.

i was supposed to go straight home and start reading for my response essay but the kaladkarin me has proven once again her weakness for food invites so i said yes to fong's supper invitation and went with her, py, shi ya and quian for a prata. sarap!

it was fun spending 3 hours just eating and chatting about school, travel, culture and yeah, boys haha i feel like an undergrad.

day 50

(this post is a bit scattered because my thoughts are scattered)

its tuesday...and every tuesday, i always have thoughts to ponder on while im on my bus ride home.

before the bus ride....

my cultural landscape professor is the kind who's so passionate (i think) with what he does and gets so engrossed with the lecture that he usually forgets to dismiss the class at 930. i dont mind this at all because i enjoy his lectures very much. this just means though that 1) i will miss the free shuttle to bukit timah and 2) additional 20 minutes of travel time.

tonight, we were dismissed at 935 by my watch so i was resigned to the fact that ill miss my bus. i was walking leisurely with 3 of my classmates, 2 of whom were also heading to the same bus terminal where im going. when we got out of the adjoining building and were walking towards the 1st bus terminal, i saw my bus! didn't bother to run though cause it was still a long way to go since i would have to go around the corner and sort of make a u turn cause of the slope of the place. i would surely catch the bus if i would jump from where i was, but i didnt do it for 'civilized' reasons hehe so i walked slowly, not minding my bus. but when i reached the corner, the bus was still there! so there, i hurriedly said goodbye to my classmates and ran like san cai calling for dao! kakapagod tumakbo!

now, for the class proper...

the topic for today was globalization so there was a lot of discussion was about culture change and all that. when our professor got to the part on base ethnic cultures like patron-client relationship, clan relationships, etc, he mentioned about the patronage system in the philippines.

he went on saying "this is still very strong in countries like the philippines even with their democracy and stuff. i know there are filipinos in this class but im sorry, i think its just rubbish"

in college, we have had a lot of discussions on patron-client relationship and patronage politics and at that time, criticizing our nature of politics was just fine. but when these words came out from a foreign professor with me sitting alone (anne, the other pinay in class was absent) in a sea of foreigners, i felt uncomfortable. when he was saying his thoughts out loud, i was even smiling because i know what he's saying and its true. but when the class looked at my direction and i realized that i was in a sea of foreigners, i froze for a moment and became uncomfortable. what he's saying is so true yet i had that feeling that i had to protect my country from the 'judgments' that my classmates might develop out of this statement. but, what will i say? that its not true and tell something i dont believe in just to save face? at that moment, i realized how different it is to talk about the negative things about your country when youre in your country compared to when youre abroad. the truth is not just something that you accept but becomes a bitter pill to swallow.

anyway...

some bits and pieces from the lecture

- he uses bello as a reference. i was actually tempted to raise my hand and say "he was my professor in college'. hehe epal lang. but i didnt.

- the trend of teachers going to other countries to look for better-paying jobs is not exclusive to developing countries. singapore has the same kind of problem. nus lacks geography teachers. contrary to the common belief that graduates of soc sci courses would be automatically absorbed to the academe, what actually happens is they go to private companies or go abroad to become consultants in private corporations.

- singapore is one country who has a motto of "educate, educate, educate!" they believe that their people is the only resource that they have so the government is investing on its people. nus' operating cost per year is 700 million sgd and 75% of that goes to salaries of professors.

- it was interesting to listen to one of my local classmates talking about how some singaporeans have a materialistic culture. she said that she just cant stand how people seem to 'show off' their new LV bags or how their lawyer boyfriends make huge amounts of money or how they were treated to a bali holiday like these are all that matter

my professor agreed with this and shared how some people tend to focus on the glossy side of singapore and forget about the poor part of the society. he said that some people are so insenstive that they make a huge issue out of congested mrt trains when in fact, every city in the world has this same kind of concern. he was stressing how this 'problem' becomes so trivial compared with problems of people who cant afford to a decent meal. and singapore also has these kinds of people. one classmate even mentioned about how some think that their biggest problem is a space for their third car.

another note about the irony of materialism. he was telling a story about his former student whom he saw driving a jaguar. of course, he was so impressed with how his student was able to afford that kind of car. and then the former student started saying "oh i dont have money. im paying 3k/month for this car. im using this to pick up girls because i dont have money to go to bars." hehe the typical yuppie. looks so rich outside, but...

and for some trivial matters..

- zara (daw) changes their display every week. after the 9/11 attack, they only had black and white collections as a sign of mourning

- coach (daw) is the only brand of bag in the u.s. which manufactures their bag locally. i.e. made in u.s. ang tatak ng bag nila when bought in the us. other brands are manufactured abroad.