sep 21
changi airport, 3pm. i checked in early for my flight. i was quite excited to go home because this was unplanned. with the meager budget of a graduate student, i managed to buy pasalubong for nicko and sam and also some for the oldies. knowing that its gonna be a long night, i even brought home ulam which i know my dad would enjoy with his appetite for food.
naia centennial terminal 2, 6pm. i shed a tear the moment the plane touched down. i dont know why. i didnt expect that i would become that melodramatic. jusko, 2 months pa lang akong nawawala.
kuya was already waiting for me at the arrival area. he had that tired, serious look. i asked him about daddy and he said he was waiting for me. while walking towards the car, he was telling me stories about how daddy has somewhat changed.
on the long drive from naia to the national kidney institute, he filled me in about daddy's dialysis treatment. how he was shouting inside the room because it was so painful. kung paano sya nagsumbong na parang bata. he said he didnt know how to react that time, whether to laugh or cry. daddy was telling him "muntik nila akong patayin. binutasan nila ako sa leeg. tapos tinuli ulit ako. ang sakit!" while he was telling me this, we were both laughing but we know deep inside we're both dead worried about our dad. it was also the first time i heard him say, "ano na kaya mangyayari kay daddy?".
when we got to the hospital, i went straight to the emergency room. he cried upon seeing me, saying "binobola nila ako". i hugged him and said "hindi ka nila niloloko. im here, hindi ka nila niloloko."
a few minutes later, the discharge papers were signed. we were told to follow the prescribed home medication and to call after a week for his check-up. only then would we know if he needs another dialysis treatment. we asked the doctor what the real deal is. he said my dad had gallbladder stones, his kidney doesnt look so good, has liver enlargement, etc. but his laboratory results are already good, meaning everythings going back to normal so theyre letting us go. i felt numb that time. didnt really know how to react. kept my cool.
so we went home. we dropped by chowking and bought his favorite wanton noodles. we had dinner at home. but he didnt eat much, just about 3 or 4 spoonfuls i think. normally, he would eat a lot even if he's sick. but this time, he only ate a little.
we went to bed at around 11 or 12. i stayed in bed with him so that mommy, my sister and my nephew can regain their sleep. they havent slept for days so this time, i would be the one on duty.
i felt what they had to go through for the past few days. my dad doesnt sleep. he would just lie down on bed. close his eyes for a few minutes. move around in bed. there are times when he would want to get up and try if he could carry himself on his own. but he cant, so i have to assist him. he would try standing up and walking, but he would find it difficult so he would go back to bed. it wasnt like this before. during his past confinements, he wasnt this weak.
few minutes before 2am, i managed to get a nap. but around 2, he was complaining about how his entire body aches. he was looking for kuya because he gives him good massage. but kuya lives an hour drive away from us. so i would massage him, but tell him im very bad at it. but the pain wont subside. we ran out of pain relievers so my sister and my nephew had to go out to buy some. we managed to give him a tablet around 3 am but its effect could only be felt after an hour. so for 2 hours, he was in total pain, rolling in bed, shouting. our massage was not helping him. finally, at around 4, he was able to go to sleep.
sep 22
6am. he woke up again because of the pain but we were telling him to sleep some more. he would fall asleep but would wake up every now and then, probably because of the pain.
at around 10am, we had breakfast. we gave him oatmeal but he ate just a little. that time, he was in his wheelchair so it was easy for him to move around the house. whenever we would notice him become sleepy, we would bring him to bed. but after a few minutes, he would complain of how his body aches so we would let him sit again.
we called up ate but i dont remember if no one was answering the phone or we cant connect. so we called up uncle and they talked. he was telling uncle that he wants to go now. and uncle would tell him that its not for him to say. only God can tell when he needs to go.
after their talk, we were all still so sleepy so we went back to bed. i remember sleeping on the edge of the bed and he was on his side, holding my arm.
at around 130, he woke up, again complaining about the pain. we told him we cant give him pain killers until he gets some food. so he ate, about 5 spoonfuls. when we were giving him his medications, mommy noticed that he was sweating profusely. and his sweat was cold, just like when he had his second stroke. i also noticed that he was a bit pale. i called kuya up and told him we might need to bring daddy to the hospital again. suddenly, we noticed daddy catching up his breath. thinking that its because of the phlegm, mommy prepared the nebulizer. my sister and nephew were helping daddy sit. while i was removing the medicine's cap, the breathing got worse and he mumbled "maybe this is how dying feels like". after saying that, his stare just went blank and he slumped. (my sister later on said that she saw a tear fall from my dad's eyes when his stare went blank and closed his eyes)
i ran out of the house and looked for a cab. when i came back, i saw my sister doing cpr on him. our neighbors carried him to the cab, while i grabbed my purse and my eyeglasses.
he was not breathing while in the car. and i didnt feel his pulse. i was tapping his cheeks and telling him "wag muna, wag muna". and to make matters worse, traffic was soo bad so my sister has to get out from the cab and plead to the other drivers to give way because we have an emergency.
we got to the nearest hospital a few minutes after. they tried cpr on him but they were not getting any response. so the doctor asked permission from us to insert a tube in his trachea to facilitate air flow. we told him to do whatever he needs to do.
around 310, the doctor talked to us. he explained that the brain can only function for 20 minutes without air. after that, no amount of revival techniques could bring it back to work. so he told us that they will resuscitate him until 320, but if he doesnt respond within that timeframe, it means he's gone.
so they revived him. i think there were 3 doctors on his bed, and 2 nurses taking turns pumping his rib cage. thankfully, they were successful. different drugs were administered, i dont remember most of them now but i know one is to help the heart keep on pumping blood. parang 7 swero yata nakakabit sa kanya. but he would go on arrest every now and then. on his third arrest, we thought that was it. mommy was wailing. we were all already crying, prepared to hear the doctors' confirmation. but he would fight, and the heart monitor would again show signs of life. from the time we got to the hospital (doctors said we got there at 3) until 6pm, i think i saw him being revived 4 or 5 times. going through that was emotionally and physically draining. thankfully, we had relatives and friends who were there with us.
around 8pm, his condition became stable so they transferred him to the icu. my mom went home to sleep but my sister and i stayed behind.
sep 23
530am. my sister and i were woken up by the nurse, asking for our consent on another dialysis treatment. my sister said that doctors from the kidney institute didnt think having a series of dialysis is good for him because of his condition. so the nurse left. a few minutes later, the nephrologist came. he told us our chances. it was not even 50-50, it was worse than that, 30-70. in a coma scale of 0-20, with 20 having the highest chance of survival, daddy is only at 3. so he told us to talk to our other siblings and plan on how to break the news to our mother. but he said if we are willing, we will take our chances and give dialysis another try. its very risky at his condition, but its better than doing nothing. so i signed the papers. at that point, i couldnt contain it anymore so i just broke down. i called up kuya and asked him to come over. i texted ate and told her about it. what made me cry more was when she texted "kiss daddy for me and if he is in pain, tell him its ok to rest already. we will take care of mommy. lets be strong together."
but we cant just keep on crying. we had to be strong.
at 9am, i went with daddy to the dialysis treatment room. he was still in deep coma. my mom came around 930. one of my friends came around 10 so i went out of the room first and had to talk to him about the blood donation thing. i also texted my cousin, telling her to look for a priest who could annoint daddy. around lunchtime, my other friends came over so i told them what happened.
it was already 1pm when the dialysis treatment was over. some of my friends came to donate blood but the extraction was to be done at another hospital so i accompanied them. but administrative blunders came up so they were not able to donate blood. kuya and i ended up buying blood at the red cross office in pasig.
when we came back to the hospital, i rang uncle and updated him about the situation. when i went up, i think we had a few friends and relatives there. i dont remember anymore.
at around 630, my sister and i were in the toilet when my brother called up. he told us to come down. its an emergency. when we got there, my cousin was hyperventilating because she saw how the nurses performed cpr on daddy. my brother told us daddy had another attack. i hugged my mom, i think. or my sister, i and my mom hugged each other, crying. i dont know how long it took, but i heard my brother say, "are we going to stop it? daddy is in so much pain already. he's so tired." and then i felt it, that was it. we're losing our dad. we asked our mom what she thinks. she said yes, lets stop it. let him rest. i had no strength to tell it to the doctors. i told kuya to do it. but before he went into the room, the four of us stood there at the hallway for a minute and hugged each other tight. then kuya went into the room crying. i didnt go inside. i stayed outside, hugging my mother and my sister all the while.
then the doctor told us we could go inside now and say goodbye. he was just like sleeping, except that he had no heartbeat and breathing. he was still warm. he was still soft. i hugged him tight. my sister removed the things that were on him. we were talking to him like he was just sleeping. i think there was a point when we even kidded him. that was us. thats how we are.
a few more minutes after, the attendant came. they are going to prepare him now. so we hugged him one last time.
that was 40 days ago.
