Recollecting random thoughts

When I was a student and couldn't seem to write something decent for my essay or my exam because my thoughts are all over the place, this is what I do. I blog.  Somehow, writing something that is personal successfully guides my thoughts in just one direction.  Yeah, maybe, it's the communion of the mind and the heart which is sometimes difficult if one is writing about something purely technical.  And now that I couldn't seem to focus and produce a decent write-up for our final report, I hope to tame my thoughts by writing these:

I joined a recollection last Saturday.  I don't remember when was the last time that I joined one.  Maybe it was in high school.  Well, Catholic schools like recollections.  I wasn't ecstatic in those events before because I felt out of place.  Whenever the retreat master tells us to close our eyes and think of something, my mind drifts away and I think of random stuff instead of focusing on what I am supposed to think about.  But to be fair, I like them not only because I get to have lunch at school, but I also think that they somehow change a person albeit in little ways.

My participation in last Saturday's recollection was out of pure interest.  It's part of my "balik-loob" program haha Parang bilanggo lang.  I wanted to be a better person, a better Catholic, so I open up myself for these kinds of activities And Im glad that I did.  No, we didn't have those tearful and group hug moments at the end of the retreat.  But I had a few take aways that I treasure.

God's word is powerful but we have our freedom.  I guess this is my main issue before.  I didn't know how to reconcile this thought. 

The same words leave different meanings/effect on different people at different points in our lives.  I guess this proves the validity of poststructuralism?  The meaning lies in the reader.  Nooo, sociological theory is haunting me!!! But on a serious note, yeah we make our own meanings.  God will talk to us depending on how we want him to talk to us. 

In the middle of those "silent moments", I had a realization about heaven.  I guess Im the kind of Catholic who doesnt care whether there is really a heaven or none.  Im just grateful to be alive and I try to do good (I fail 90% of the time) not because I want to go to heaven when I die but because I think that it will make living easier, and because my mother says so.  :)  So going to heaven is just a bonus for me (if ever I make the cut).  But seriously, the reason why heaven didn't appeal to me before is probably due to how I picture it.  Imagine clouds, angels, God, music. Yes, nice (oh my God, Im gonna be excommunicated for describing heaven as just nice) but there's something lacking.  But I thought, that if heaven is going to be an eternal life with the people I love and being reunited with my Dad, my grandparents, Auntie Loling, Uncle Doming, and living with my sisters and brothers and their families, and hopefully mine too, basically, being with the entire family forever, then yes, I would love to go to heaven. 

Be careful with your wishes...

I remember that sometime last year, I said, "Ok God, I think Im ready for adult problems"

So today, I am given an adult problem. Not the type that I was hoping to face but something definitely faced by many adults.

And after a few minutes of bewilderment, I smiled. God really has a sense of humour. 

If I'm still in my "old ways", I would have sulked, asking "why? why? why" and went on in my "Im a victim of this situation" mode.

But now, I just shook my head and said, Ok, it's not the end of the world. I could handle the worst thing that could happen out of this anyway.