change

i used to write what i felt with total disregard of how it sounded like. i didnt care whether it would sound right. or silly. or offensive. and yet when reading those posts now, i can feel the heart in it.

now, i feel that i have unconsciously changed into someone who thinks a hundred times first if what im gonna say or write is politically correct. and oftentimes, id get lost in the process. or id fall into the trap of indecision causing me to just abandon my thoughts and leave them there, unresolved. or id write what i think is correct even if i feel otherwise.

im not sure if it's a good or bad thing.

i noticed though that because of this - i feel lke im writing without a heart. rants are still expressed but only after way too much thinking instead of just typing them directly. i dont know if this is what you call maturity. or sensitivity. or emotional castration.

a few weeks ago, my former colleague sent me one of my old mails to them, written when i was still new here. she said she found it after rummaging through her emails and she didnt stop from laughing while reading it. i was also laughing while reading it because it was so funny. so raw and filled with politically incorrect thoughts. reading it made me see the excited and free-spirited self/writer that i once was, filled with life and enthusiasm about what's happening around. genuinely interested and uninterested about her surroundings at the same time.

i miss that aspect of me.