uncertainty

today, i surrendered my pass and medicard to hr.  they've also punched a hole on my staff card although they said i could still use it until my access have been cancelled.  it was a sad time.

i remember that i had the same experience when i surrendered my student pass a year ago. surrendering that card was not just a simple act. senti na kung senti but i felt that was symbolic of surrendering the end of a chapter. but of course welcoming a new one.

one year of working here had been challenging. 

after finishing my masters, it took a month for me to be called for an interview. and a day after that to be offered the job. but the actual contract didnt come until after 6 weeks. and it took some more weeks before i got to formally start working.

while waiting for all the papers to be processed, i was having second thoughts if i made the right choice.  my school was offering me a more stable job, with an opportunity for a part-time work while waiting for the papers to be done. but i chose this. because i was so keen on doing real academic research at that time.

finally, april came.  i started working on the 19th.  first day was not what you would call an ideal first day of work.  people seemed to not know that i was supposed to start work that day. but i just smiled. i was that cool headed before.

adjusting to the workplace was not easy. i came from a large office where people would chatter nonstop. that place where smile was so generously given. where you could just hug anyone if you feel down. where you could just grab anyone if you wanted to vent. although yes, most of the time, it's the same people who annoys you :)

but this was so different. people seem nice but reserved.  we would say hi to each other on the hallway. or have occasional chats.  but i had a tough time connecting. maybe it's the language. maybe it's the culture. i had a tough time adjusting. 

a month after i started work, my boss went on a two-month leave. his wife was going to give birth. so work was light. i had a lot of free time. something which i was not used to. and sometimes, too much free time gave me stress.

when my boss came back, i was excited.  i felt like we're gonna go full-on busy with the project.  we scheduled a meeting to talk about our activities for the project.  and then his sudden passing happened.

i felt uncertain right that very point. i felt a warm paralyzing energy passing through my entire body.  i couldnt believe it. my head was filled with questions. is this true?  what happened to him?  what will happen to me?  will i be out of job this soon?  i wasnt ready to lose my job. i had only been working for a few months.

but the school assured me. im gonna keep my job. there will be changes though. im gonna be transferred back to my school. and i felt excited.

but the process took so long.  and during that entire time, i was anxious.  i dont know what happened with my ability to handle stress. i was so good at handling stress before. why cant i handle stress now?

i struggled to keep myself calm.  it was a conscious decision. i was forcing my mind not to wander too far and focus on today.

at the start of this month, i finally signed my contract with my school. but a few weeks after, they had to make some changes with the contract. there was an issue with the funding agency. it was frustrating. and scary too.

so now, i know i shouldnt worry too much. i have a new contract. but it will take a few weeks to process all the documents.  i know that everything will be fine. i pray that to God everyday. and i trust that it's all gonna be fine. that after a month or two, il just look back on this day and laugh at my sillyness.

but it's just so damn tough to be in this moment. this moment of uncertainty.