Intricacies

Last Tuesday, I dreamt about my father.  He was in the hospital (like how it is in a lot of me and my siblings' dreams).  He was complaining that he can't breathe so I looked for the doctor.  Two doctors came and explained that his veins in the stomach were intertwined.  The doctors then asked me what my father's name's spelling was.  Was it h-e-r-l-e? To which I replied h-e-r-l-y and suddenly realized that my father's name was neither of them so I looked at the paper they gave me.  And there, typewritten was the name of my mother and herlyn.  Upon seeing that name, it struck me, that it was our half-sister's name  so I looked at him (that was not actually her exact name.  and now i vaguely remember, those names were written under beneficiaries).  And then I saw him sobbing, saying sorry. I hugged him in return, cried with him, saying it's ok.  I woke up very very sad.  I think I was even crying.

I dont know what to make of that dream.  Initially, I took it as his way of telling me that he wants us to maintain a connection with our sister.  But I honestly am not very comfortable with me making the first move.  So I prayed that if that was what he really wanted, one FB message from her will do.

My family and friends have been helping me process that dream/experience.  One friend thought that it could be a form form of closure.  I agree.  It could be that too.  My family is not the type who openly talks about each other's feelings.  I guess our love language is more of service/presence, not words.  I knew he has been sorry for it.  And I hope that by looking after him, I was able to show that Ive forgiven him.

My mother told me not to feel guilty for not reaching out to our half-sister.  What happened was not my fault.  My sister said that I am entitled to my own feelings. My brother in-law said that we could try writing to the kid, telling her how my father was as a father because that may just be what she wants, to know him more. Meeting him is another story, because she is a kid.  He thinks that it will be better to wait a bit longer until she becomes an adult so that all of us could process this better.  I think I will do that.  I pray that it will help me get off that heavy feeling in my chest.

Another message I think was for me deal with things that I have been putting off for quite some time.

Dreams are really interesting.